Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham

Directed by: Karan Johar

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Jaya Bachchan, Shahrukh Khan, Kajol, Hrithik Roshan, Kareena Kapoor

Released: 2001

„Not-at-all-dear Karan Johar,

I hate you with passion. Because what you do is that you thrust your greedy hand into people´s chest, you rip their hearts out and then you dance tango over them in tapping shoes. You want them to cry. You want them to cry a LOT. You don´t want to give them anything. You only want to take. While your venture with Kuch Kuch Hota Hai was watchable and Kal Ho Naa Ho quite fun thanks to Saif Ali Khan, your atrocious Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham is the best example of a commercial crap that forces out tears, tears and more tears under a pretext of being a film about family values.

Worst regards

Not-ever-yours Hater.“

I have seen films that bored me to death. I have seen films that made me angry with sheer stupidity. I have seen films that left me utterly confused. K3G 1.) bored me to death 2.) made me angry with sheer stupidity 3.) left me utterly confused PLUS 4.) made me hate Karan Johar and Jaya Bachchan. Why did I watch it then? Because it sadly is one of the most famous films of the past decade and even more sadly it is hugely popular. I can positively say that the films I´ve seen so far and hated had at least one redeeming quality to them. But this has NOTHING, nothing at ALL!!! The story itself is not bad, though not the most exciting or original ever (that wouldn´t bother me one bit). The script though is TERRIBLE, performances bellow average at their best and direction shows a lazy approach with one aim only – to make a hit film. Not a film for someone. Film for money! That is what makes Karan Johar stand out among other directors. His unashamed hunger for commercial success. And he will use anything to get it. I don´t even know where to start with all the bashing of this waste of celluloid!

Amitabh Bachchan plays an elderly father of a family, that consists of his wife (Jaya Bachchan) and two sons, adopted Rahul (yeah yeah.... Shahrukh and who else. They run out of names for him a long time ago) and their own Rohan (some fat kiddo, then Hrithik Roshan). They are a PERFECT family. And I mean PERFECT (aka they have larger than life photos of themselves everywhere, including one really freaky family portrait). They love each other, they celebrate Diwalis in STYLE and they are DISGUSTINGLY rich. Their house was apparently imported from England and used to be a castle. They don´t usually use cars (those are apparently for poor), they prefer helicopters, and they have a garden of a size of central China. But then Rahul falls in love with a poor girl Anjali (Kajol). BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! Thunder strikes and it signifies Amitabh Bachchan is not amused. After Rahul hears out some abuses on the adress of a girl he loves, he does what every perfect son would – he begs on his knees for forgiveness. But duh! Anjali just lost her father. And so instead of dumping her Rahul marries her. BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! Amitabh Bachchan is like seriously pissed. So he says that from now on Rahul should get out. And Rahul goes. And because obviously India is way too small, he settles down in London. There his wife gets birth to a son and next ten years spends with xenophobic ranting against everything even remotely English. With them lives also Anjali´s younger sister Pooja (Kareena Kapoor), who grows up into a Paris Hilton-ish airhead and with her equally stupid friends rules the college. But then her heart is stricken with love as soon as a MUSCULAR guy gets out of his fancy red car. YEAH! Rohan, Rahul´s younger brother, lost the baby fat (but he still cannot do his shoe-laces) and now he set out to unite his family. And the best way to do so is to pretend you are a complete stranger and sneak into Rahul´s home. Wah Wah. Kya planning hai! By this time I was really thinking about killing myself and only finished the film because I found fascinating how BAD it actually was.

Absolutely typical Indian home.

Karan Johar says that „It is all about loving your parents“, but the film says that it is all about endless whining, weeping, sobbing, crying and being miserable. They are still talking about how they love each other, but NOBODY does ANYTHING to show that love. No. They prefer to call you a disgrace (Amitabh), sulk in London for ten years (Shahrukh), emotionally blackmail everyone (Hrithik) or bulging eyes while silently crying (Jaya). There is absolutely no love going on on the screen. You cannot feel any emotions. All the actors are like in their own vacuum, where they act, and they just happen to be in one frame together. There is nothing that could be called an interaction. Amitabh is highly unlikable as a stubborn aging father who loves his authority more then his family. Jaya Bachchan getting an award for looking retarded most of the time is an insult. Shahrukh Khan is looking unforgivably sexy, but is so clean and sweet and perfect that even he was a sore to look at after all that whining! Kajol, whom I finally started to like more then just tolerating her presence on screen, is made to behave like a drunken twit (I shall never forgive Karan for this). And since I am among the minority who does not really see what is THAT special about them, their jodi does not save anything for me. Rani is decent and wasted and forgettable. Hrithik is a goody goody with muscles and that´s where it ends. Kareena had no importance in the story at all.

Music, except for two songs, is very average. And there is one more thing about Karan Johar´s films: the main theme shall repeat again...and again.... and again..... until you feel like kicking into something every time it appears. I had the same problem with Kuch Kuch Hota Hai main theme. And when they inserted it into this film too, it just couldn´t get any worse.... I usually don´t mind mentions of other films and such, but here Karan was celebrating his own film, and that is cringeworthy to say the least. The visuals are terrible. When Yash Chopra makes an imaginary, utopistic clean world for his characters to live in, it is all just a background for feelings and there is honesty in his films. Karan Johar overwhelms you (and makes you practically sick) with the sheer opulence, that is kind of falling on you and you suffocate under it. The visuals are MEANT to overwhelm you. They are not a part of the story at all (as it is the case with Bhansali´s films). They are simply there and make you uneasy. And when a choir of English kids starts singing Indian anthemn, the patriotism is so forced down your throat it´s hard not to be almost physically sick. And just in case you are not moved enough, they will show you a disabled girl smiling happily during that.

Not moving, not appealing, not honest, not even cheesy. A cringeworthy documentary on „How to weep annoyingly and steadily“.

Weeping.

Weeping.

Weeping.

Weeping.

Weeping.

Weeping.

"Can we stop weeping now, please?"

Lagaan

Directed by: Ashutosh Gowariker

Starring: Aamir Khan, Gracy Singh, Rachel Shelley, Paul Blackthorne

Released: 2001

The complete title of this film is „Lagaan – Once upon a time in India“, so let us begin on the same note. Once upon a time, more accurately in the 19^th century, it was the British Queen Victoria, who reigned supremely over the vast country named as India. And in her name the British ruled the land, that was so different from their own. One of the officers in charge of Champaner is Captain Andrew Russel. Sleazy, spoilt, rich, spending his time with hunting and thoroughly enjoying his stay in India, as it gives him a nerly complete freedom to ridicule and insult everybody. From the first moment you know he is the BAD guy in this. Once he decides he wants a local raja to eat a piece of meat, and when the latter refuses because of his religion, our dear captain decides he is insulted and in return he wants the area under his rule to pay the double ammount of lagaan (a tax given by the villagers mostly in grain). Naturally the villages are not as half as excited about the idea as captain Russel, especially since draughts has been troubling them lately.

One of the villagers, Bhuvan, is especially annoyed (which is somehow strange because while you can see others working, he himself spends his time spoiling the hunt of captain Russel) and he decides people should go to raja and discuss the matter. But raja is just right now watching a cricket match and so the villagers have to wait a while. Cricket to them seems rather silly, and after Bhuvan mocks the game, the English are deeply offended and captain Russel, never short of insulting an humiliating ideas, offers Bhuvan a deal: the lagaan will be completely forgiven for three years if the villagers can beat the English in cricket. But if they loose, they will have to pay the thrice ammount of the tax. After hearing out his companions´ advice (NO, BHUVAN! NO!) Bhuvan accepts the challenge.

"I challenge you. And I don´t  like your haircut."

"Mera haircut perfect hai, kaminey!"

After he manages to win over some of the villagers with a happy, optimistic song, and chooses his team, the training can start. And the instructor is none other then Elizabeth, captain Russel´s sister, who proves that nto all English are cold-hearted dogs. Elizabeth, appaled by her brother´s injustice, does her best to explain the rules and ways of cricket, and is so excited about her goal, that she managed to learn perfect Hindi in like two days. Being brought up by stuck-up and arrogant English society, she finds the un-washed and illiterate Bhuvan immenselly lovable and so she falls in love with him. That causes distress to Gauri – a simple girl who too loves Bhuvan. But as of now Bhuvan is only interested in the game. After he manages to convince the whole village (destroying the caste system in the process!) and much training (which involves lots of running, sweating and singing) the date is set for the game and the English and Indian cricket team face each other.....

Dream team. Chewbacca third from the left.

When I started the film I was trembling with excitement. Aamir Khan is known for his great script sense, and after all the hype sorrounding the film is HUGE. I was expecting something AMAZING. I was expecting something BIG. I was expecting something GRAND. I got a cricket match. Maybe it would all work better for me if my expectations were lower and the match itself at least 30 minutes shorter. The only thing I really carried away from watching this was a new knowledge of what is a cricket (next to completely unknown in my soccer and hockey country). Because in the end I did not really feel any message about fighting the British or anything. The movie was more like a celebration of favourite Indian sport. And that, for me as a foreign viewer, is not good enough.

The film is very well made technically. The visuals are beautiful, the direction fine, the performances are good. Aamir Khan´s strengh has never been in facial expressions, but in his very clever dialogue delivery, and he uses that in this one too. Sadly Aamir, though signed as one of the best actors in my book, is slowly beggining to bore me. There is no realy difference in the way he plays the characters. I assume that him being a very „thinking“ actor is to be blamed. Don´t think, Aamir! Give us some spontainety, some madness! Of the supporting characters the most notable is Paul Blackthorne with great Hindi and terrible accents, wonderfully hateable and fit for his character. The two females – Rachel Shelley and Gracie Singh, have nothing much to do except for being in love with Bhuvan. One is a silent, romantic type, another a very earthy, straight-forward girl. Both are good in their roles, but do not leave much impact. After all, Lagaan is not even remotely a love story.

English anger

The real deal here is cricket. It couldn´t get any more cricket-ish than this! The match, which takes no less then half of the film (!) has everything a good match should have – cheating, fighting, abusing, chanting, injuries, and loads and loads of adrenalin. But it still remains..... a cricket match. Once you´ve seen it, there is no point of coming back (not that one doubts what the result is going to be from the beggining). Brilliantly shot. But with no repeat value.

The music of Lagaan deserves a mention for sure. Composed by the bow-worthy A.R.Rahman, all the tracks are beautifully melodious and hummable. Some are even addictive. „Chale Chalo“ has been drumming in my ears for days! Similarly „Mitwa“ and „Ghanan Ghanan“. The most beautifully picturized (if we forget the glistening male bodies in Chale Chalo for a moment, ladies) is „Radha Kaise Na Jale“. Pity Gracie Singh pretty much disappeared since Lagaan, becausei in this song she proves to be a very graceful, pleasant to look at dancer.

The song „O Rey Chhori“ made me perfectly see why song and dance work in Indian films, and why they do not really work in western ones. It was all so beautifully romantic when Bhuvan and Gauri share the intimate moments together, but as soon as „I am in love, yes, I´m in love“ comes out of Elizabeth´s throat I had a feeling I´m watching a Disney (plus I can guarantee you the nightgowns back then did not lack sleeves but cleavage!).

This works.

And this doesn´t.

 A film I seriously wanted to love, but only ended up thinking it´s good. And that, my dears, is not good enough.