Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna

Directed by: Karan Johar

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Rani Mukherjee, Abhishek Bachchan, Preity Zinta, Amitabh Bachchan, Kirron Kher

Released: 2006

I will never really understand where did my courage to watch Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna come from. Till this day I have not been able to overcome the outrage and hate that both have come over me after watching Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Ghum, which I consider the worst film I´ve ever seen. I guess it was only my devotion to Shahrukh Khan and my wish to know his complete body of work, combined with being naturally curious what is all the fuss about, that made me watch KANK. After 15 minutes I already knew I was going to suffer.

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna is basically a story about two people whose personalities suck big time and that not as much because of the circumstances but because they choose to. Shahrukh as Dev is an arrogant, selfish and most of all self-pitying brat with no respect whatsoever. Once he was a famous football player but after being hit by a car his career was over and he is limping ever since. Sure, something like that could make anyone deeply depressed, but Dev, rather than trying to move on and be useful, decides to sulk for years, blaming the whole world and mentally terrorizing his little son (I was just waiting for the kid to be hospitalized as mentally unstable and crippled for life). I don´t think I ever disliked any Shahrukh´s character as much. Even when he played an evil person like in Anjaam or Don, there was something you could admire or at least appreciate (even though what they do is wrong). But Dev is just a disgusting piece of existence, giving nothing to anyone, being jealous of his wife´s (Preity) success and destroying every moment of peace for everybody around. I am no fan of perfectly flawless characters , I like it when they are human with flaws, but there is limit to everything. Maybe it was my utter dislike for the character, but either not even Shahrukh´s acting could have make me like Dev or even Shahrukh was just bad in this. Based on my opinion that except for My Name Is Khan Karan Johar has always managed to bring out the worst out of him, I sadly tend to believe the second option.

Herodes could learn how to treat kids from Dev....

Rani as Maya is not an inspiring person either. Also wallowing in self-pity she is pushing away any chance of being happy with her husband Rishi (Abhishek). The film tried to present her as being oh so poor a soul because she does not feel romantic love for Rishi, but I only wanted to scream at her for being such a life-ruiner. Rishi is a husband of dreams really. He copes up with everything she does or says without a complaint. He is incredibly giving. And she apparently doesn´t give a damn. In this sense she is same as Dev. They both obviously LOVE being miserable and they LOVE to blame others for it. HOW in the world am I supposed to be their fan or even feel for them? Impossible!

Let´s just behave like a total ass so I can embarass my partner and pity myself even more.

In a very apparent plot twist these two fall in love and start having a secret affair consisting mainly of getting drenched in the rain and singing songs in imaginary sorrounding Karan Johar style. Up until of course they are caught..... and they separate.... and they are oh so noble now and want to save their marriages.... and they end up together of course after one of the most teary, excruciating and longest climaxes ever. By that point I was already skipping whole minutes, completely worn out by all that crap I had managed to sit through. I was not interested AT ALL in what Dev and Maya were through.

One of the greatest sore spots in the film also remains Amitabh Bachchan in his possibly most cringe worthy role ever – Sexy Sam – out of whose hangover he is suffering till this day. Instead of cool he was sleazy and his part in the story was completely unnecessary. I guess his parts of the film were supposed to be mostly fun, but this intention fails completely.

Hi! I´m Sexy Sam. Embarassment of the decade.

The saving graces are performances by Preity Zinta and Abhishek Bachchan. In other circumstances I would always choose Rani and Shahrukh over them, but not here. Theirs were the bits I enjoyed and the best scene of them all has to be Preity slapping Shahrukh after finding out the truth.

KANK fails. In basically every department. I am nobody to preach about fidelity between husband and wife (though yeah, I believe in the concept) and I can see why many marriages fail. I am not saying two people HAVE TO live with each other if they are so very unhappy. However the way infidelity is presented in this movie makes it all seem actually right and legit. There are other films that deal with the same issue and yet they manage to show all the involved people as likeable humans with reasons of their own, like Yash Chopra´s Silsila or most recently Imtiaz Ali´s Rockstar, but Karan Johar, skilled with pouring glycerine but completely clueless about real feelings makes it all one great mess where you hate the hero, you hate the heroine and you hate their love story. And you definitely hate Sexy Sam.

Vivah

Directed by: Sooraj Barjatya

Starring: Shahid Kapoor, Amrita Rao, Anupam Kher, Alokh Nath

Released: 2006

Twelve years after Hum Aapke Hain Koun Sooraj Barjatya decided to strike with another wedding video starring gorgeous heroine, handsome hero, loving families, perfect relationships (except for some minor flaws) lots of sweet songs and chocolates. However while Hum Aapke Hain Koun pulls off the rather non-existent plot brilliantly, Vivah, though there is nothing particularly wrong with it, did not manage to do so, neither it succeeded in recreating the magic.

Alokh Nath and Anupam Kher switched places and so this time Anupam is from the boy´s side, while the other one is raising the girl. She is not his daughter, but an orphaned niece Poonam. Unlike him, his wife doesn´t feel any love for Poonam, simply for the reason she has her own daughter who is dusky unlike perfectly beautiful niece.

Anupam is a father to Prem (Sooraj Barjatya has a thing for this name like Yash Chopra and Karan Johar do for Rahul), on a lookout for a bride. And who would have thought, Alokh Nath is in search for a groom for Poonam. And when these two meet, wedding is in the air.

1994

Twelve years later.

The bride and groom take immediate deep liking to each other. The two families love each other too. And apart from a joined family holiday don´t expect anything from the most of the film. Sadly the songs and romance simply don´t match up to legendary HAHK, and so for most of the film I kept looking at the time line which was moving with a snail speed. I was glad that the two main leads are played by Amrita Rao and Shahid Kapoor, because they both are such beautiful people, you can at least concentrate on them, wishing they had babies in real life, because beauty should be preserved for the next generations, while nothing is going on on the screen. They indeed make a beautiful couple.

And then tragedy strikes. And yet again I just cannot help but to do a little comparism to HAHK – while there the tragedy caused a problem, even thought mainly because of some communication holes more then anything else, in Vivah the tragedy doesn´t change anything at all. And we are heading for a happy ending.

This film is about...

...long meaningful stares...

...and fleeting meaningful gestures.

If you have a diabetes, this is not a film for you. Just five minutes would kill you, that´s how sweet everything and everyone is. They are all good in their roles. But none of the characters on their own are remarkable, and I highly doubt any of the actors would rank their performance in Vivah as their best.

Had it come out before Hum Aapke Hain Koun, I´m sure it would have been revolutionary (the way HAHK was), but since it´s coming a long time after, I couldn´t shake off the feeling that Sooraj Barjatya was simply trying his luck with the same story again. But Shahid Kapoor doesn´t have Salman´s charm. Amrita Rao doesn´t have Madhuri´s energy. And Prem´s nephew is nowhere near Tuffy (anyone else thinks the boy was a replacement of a „cute animal“ which usually is present in these kind of films?)

Vivah is a nice watch for a VERY lazy afternoon, and might be also ideal for putting you to sleep. Because in spite of being nice, it is unforgivably boring as well. In a way it really is what the full title promises: a detailed, idealistic documentary about a highly appropriate “way from engagement to marriage”.

I was just told we don´t  have any more laddoos.

No more laddoos?

We ate them all.

You must be strong Poonam. We have completely run ouf ot laddoos.

Fanaa

Directed by: Kunal Kohli

Starring: Aamir Khan, Kajol, Rishi Kapoor, Tabu

Released: 2006

This film reminded me of something. I could not quite put my figer on it. But from the very start I had a feeling I have seen something similar, if not the same, before..... And only when it ended I realized it was one big mixture of DDLJ, Raja Hindustani, Fiza and Esmeralda (the first three being Bollywood movies, the last one a sickly sweet Venezuelan telenovela that plagued our screens several years back).

So we have Zooni, a simple, nice Kashmiri girl in love with her country. She is also in love with her dreams about the yet unknown to her Mr. Right. And she is played by Kajol, who doesn´t look a day older then what she did in DDLJ. So in result Zooni is actually Simran – with one difference only: she is blind (Esmeraldaaaaaa...... Esmeraldaaaaaa....lalala). After some convincing her parents decide they can let her go with her friends to go to Delhi and perform like a dance troupe in a ceremony for Independence Day. And since they are going to spend several days in the city, and they don´t want to just aimlessly walk around, they hire a tourist guide Rehan. And so Aamir Khan enters the film, lying lazily on his back and with an arrogant do-not-disturb attitude (that is the moment Pardesi Pardesi starts automatically playing in your ears). And guess what. He and Zooni fall in love almost immediately. Nothing wrong with that, but I must confess that I don´t find Kajol someone, who can stun you at the first sight with her appearance, and so it would have been better for me if Rehan actually took at least a little time before falling in love. Their bonding afterwards is done well, with Zooni leaving with him for a private sightseeing, him watching her performance with the dance troupe (in that song Kajol DID look beautiful) and finally getting drenched in the rain together and spending the night sharing a cot in not so completely innocent way. But by that time it is clear Rehan may not be who he seems (to the viewer, Kajol remains blissfully unaware). He receives a disturbing number of calls nobody talks about and he also occasionally mumbles something about himself not believing in romance, obviously trying (but not that hard as he could I must say) to shake off Zooni´s spell.

Best Kajol pairing - why couldn´t we see it before?

The love obviously cannot wait even for few days, and so Zooni makes a phone call to her parents that she fell in love and will be getting married. Oh, and by the way Rehan took her to a doctor (which obviously nobody else did before) and it seems she can be operated immediately (I want this kind of hospitals in my country!), after which she will regain her eye-sight! She undergoes the operation and when she finally opens her eyes, her parents are there, but Rehan isn´t. And the first thing they ask her to do is to identify the remains of a victim just killed in a bomb attack on a government building. And yes, she recognizes the sweater she made for Rehan herself.....

Something smells funny, nah? Especially because one remembers those mysterious signs pointing out that Rehan just may not be Rehan the poetry-loving tourist guide after all, and also because he is played by Aamir and you are just now in the middle of the film. While the first half is beautifully romantic and colourful, the second leaves the whole romance altogether and it turns into an attempt on a thriller. There are too many twists and turns to be described, but you can count on some not that exciting action scenes, some misplaced patriotism and an „unexpected“ reunion of the two main characters after years. And just like we have seen it in „Julie“, first sex equals to immediate pregnancy, so you can expect a mini-Rehan, who will give you some cheesy and annoying lines about trust and so on.

Knock, knock!

"DAMN!"

The film worked, especially the first part, mainly because of capable handling of the characters by the cast. The highlight is Kajol, who fits well into her Simran-mode, but her Zooni is more mature then Simran and also doesn´t have any pride. In the second half her role is, sadly, stripped of any real action (till the very end), but still she is the one who keeps the soul of Fanaa alive. Aamir is a good choice for Rehan, but one cannot help the feeling that the character is either badly written or wrongly understood by the actor. The best aspect about Aamir´s casting is his undeniable chemistry with Kajol, that for me is thousand times better then the one she reportedly shares with SRK. Who pleasantly surprised me was Rishi Kapoor. The fat guy in ridiculous sweaters romancing petite young girls disappeared and transformed into a big-hearted father – a role I completely loved him in. Tabu was a complete miscast. Her role had nothing to offer her and she was, honestly, rather unconvincing. The kid was terribly annoying. So yeah, it was mainly Kajol who found the best way among all the plot holes and at times rather bizzare situations that simply happen for the sake of something happening (even though I found her putting together bits of photos to create „Rehan´s“ face during her years of loneliness a big WTF moment). Aamir doesn´t raise any sympathy. He never seems to be sure of what he is actually doing, or even why. And he really annoyed me when he killed the only Rishi I ever loved (and the film-makers could have spared us him flowing under the ice. That was both over-creepy and hilarious.).

"Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"DAMN!"

Here comes my favourite sentence: The visuals were beautiful. Be it sunny Delhi or snowy Kashmir (ehm..... Poland. But at least you cannot really tell from what is shown, unlike in some other movies, that will go to any length to convince you Budapest is actually in Italy.), everything beautifully underlined the scenes and the mood. The soundtrack is nice, with two songs being especially beautiful – both in melody and in picturizations. I have already mentioned Des Rangila, where Kajol dances with her troupe, and the absolute winner is Mere Haath Mein. Special mention goes to rainy Dekho Na. On the other hand Chand Sifarish comes off as rather ordinary and Chanda Chamke should have never seen the light of day.

It is a definite must see for any Kajol fan, and objectively speaking she couldn´t have asked for a better role as her comeback after motherhood. However the next time I want to watch a heroine shooting somebody she loves for the sake of higher good, I will choose Fiza.