Satte Pe Satta

Directed by: Raj N. Sippy

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Hema Malini, Shakti Kapoor, Sarika, Ranjeeta Kaur

Released: 1982

I first learned about the existence of Satte Pe Satta last year when a new remake of it was announced and at the time I was anything but happy about it, but quite a lot has changed since then and now I´m awaiting the film with optimism. The 1982 film starring a popular couple Amitabh-Hema was originally also a remake – of American film „Seven Brides for Seven Brothers“, and though a pleasant film, there was a lot left to be desired, which the new version may eventually draw its strength from. But before the first take of the new movie (that is going to have Sanjay Dutt and Karishma Kapoor in the lead roles) is even taken, let´s have a closer look at the classic.

Somewhere in India there is a solitary farm run by seven brothers, who definitely do not lack love for each other, but do lack basic human manners. They are dirty, unshaven, lazy, uneducated, simple..... and do not care. If not for the eldest brother Ravi (Amitabh Bachchan), who at least lacks the laziness if not other of the trades mentioned, and acts a bit like a slave driver to his siblings, else they would probably just rot on their unkempt cots. One day Ravi by a rather embarrassing mistake meets Indu (Hema Malini), a neat and clean hospital nurse, intelligent, strong willed, basically everything other people in his life (read his family) are not. He falls for her, but doesn´t leave a favourable impression on her and it takes quite a lot of courting and convincing before Indu too finds some love for him in her heart. That however without any knowledge about his family situation. 

What do you mean "use a Gillete"?

Indu is quite shocked by her six brothers-in-law, and no wonder considering one of them is Shakti Kapoor and they move about in next to nothing but some brightly colourful underwear. In the end however it´s them who get the bigger shock, when she decides to „civilize“ them.... Hema Malini is someone I am usually a bit wary about on screen, thought it´s true I´ve not seen that many of her films as yet, and I liked her as feisty Indu, except her dialogue delivery is not the best and her voice modulation neither. She is a good match for Amitabh (who is of course great) and Indu is really that one phenomenon which keeps the basic plot tight and entertaining. Her quest to make her brothers-in-law normal people who dress and wash and don´t eat with their hands was hilarious. However as the movie goes on the focus shifts to the six brothers and their little romances as well as some rather unnecessary masala plot involving an Amitabh´s duplicate and money plotting, Indu makes a quiet exit and so does most of the humour.

Indu being made to believe the guy she loves actually has a normal family.

I understand that Satte Pe Satta is one of most favourite Amitabh Bachchan movies, and no wonder, it definitely provides entertainment (by which I do not mean to say the film is brainless - „entertaining“ has become rather synonymous with „stupid“ in the past few years I feel) and delivers on most levels, yet it is definitely not a perfect film. The second half is weaker and at times on the verge of boring, resembling way too much the 80s action films that were pretty much all the same as if they have been printed by a copy machine. And somehow I don´t think I would believe that a guy, who threatened me with a knife, was only trying to help me. In the end all the brothers turn from animals to humans and all are rewarded with a nice girl to marry. The idylic family life on the farm can continue.

Some things are bound to happen if seven guys live together alone....

When your favourites disappoint

They say you only are a true fan if you are willing to suffer through your favourite´s god-damn-awful filmography. Bad films happen. To everybody from Dilip Kumar to Akshay Kumar. Sometimes they are not even really that bad, but somehow disappointing and weak. Some of such films of some of my favourite actors to follow.

Jodi Breakers

Directed by: Ashwini Chaudhary

Starring: Madhavan, Bipasha Basu, Omi Vaidya

Released: 2012

I tried to watch the film before, but turned it off after first 15 or so minutes, but then I told myself I may not want to be as harsh, after all Madhavan is my teddy-bear. Sadly his presence doesn´t save the film, and the character he plays is actually one of the most annoying loosers I´ve seen on screen. Bipasha is way too unbelievable with her innocent act and the two have no chemistry. The film has one of the dumbest twists (and resolves) ever. So he destroys somebody else´s marriage so his ex-wife can get a rich new husband and he gets his car back? Really? And I am supposed to root for this person? And frankly I didn´t see s single reason what would Sid need Sonali as his partner anyway, thus even the basic plot doesn´t really make sense. To top it all Omi Vadiya was completely annoying as a sex God from the high heavens. In one word: lame. Why was Helen in this?

.....

Paa

Directed by: R. Balki

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Vidya Balan, Abhishek Bachchan

Released: 2009

I guess some films are just overrated. After having a shock from rather awkward subtitles narrated for whatever reason by Jaya Bachchan, I was kept waiting .... and waiting for the awesomeness praised by the critics to appear, but it never did. The story deals with a very sad issue of progeria, a rare disease causing the body to age before its time – and that very rapidly. The main character, a twelve years old boy Auro, suffering from the condition, actually has a body of an 80 year old. And what more – he doesn´t have a father. Or rather, doesn´t know him. After all this father did not want a child and only because Auro´s mother refused to go for an abortion and left her partner was the child born. The fate however brings the family together again. Everybody in the film does an OK job. From Abhishek to Amitabh, who did not really understand what age he is trying to act. Instead of a 12 years old his handling of the character made Auro seem like barely 7 years old boy. He did well, don´t get me wrong, but nothing overly impressive. I had the same problem with Sridevi in Sadma, where she is supposed to act like 7 years old, but instead gives an impression of a four-year-old, and that does a hell lot of a difference. Vidya is the best of the lot, but is criminally deprived of deserved screen time by the male protagonists. If anything the movie should have been named Maa, because what I took from the film was really the assurance that love of a mother is above everything.

.....

Bhootnath

Directed by: Vivek B. Sharma

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Aman Siddiqui, Juhi Chawla, Shahrukh Khan

Released: 2008

Not one, but two favourites included – Shahrukh and Juhi – and yet... oh Mr. Sharma this is a perfect example of wasting great acting talent. When you have actors like this you don´t give all the screentime to a kid. Bhootnath is a fine film for children, but far from a great piece of cinema the director presents it till this day.

Shahrukh, the freakingly handsome in his white uniform sea cruise captain moves his wife and son into a new house, not caring everybody says it is haunted. He promptly leaves and his wife invests all her time to attempts to make the new living space more comfortable, while their son soon discovers the house is indeed haunted by a grumpy and dirty old ghost. In no time, they become friends. There are way too many question concerning the ghost (sometimes he can´t touch things, sometimes he can, he apparently eats and can shave and wash..... way too many supernatural powers for one sad soul if you ask me, and pretty much defying everything one would imagine when it comes to ghosts), but I guess children wouldn´t really mind. However the kids should not be too demanding. There is nothing scary or hilarious about the story and the situations shown. See, I don´t even know what else to write. Watch and forget movie.

Chupke Chupke

Directed by: Hrishikesh Mukherjee

Starring: Dharmendra, Om Prakash, Amitabh Bachchan, Sharmila Tagore, Jaya Bachchan

Released: 1975

There used to be a time when while watching a comedy movie you could do so with the whole family from half-deaf grandma to the smallest kids without worrying that a vulgar joke will be said, without fear that in the next moment twenty naked oily girls are going to weave themselves into the limbs of the hero. That was a time of films like Chupke Chupke, which is among the very best of genuine, entertaining and harmless comedies.

Starring the ever so charming Dharmendra as the main lead, the film starts with him (under the name of Parimal Tripathi, a famous botany professor) trying to help out a keeper of a mountain bungalow by pretending to be him. To his horror as soon as he disguises himself and the real keeper wanders off to visit his son in a hospital, a bus loaded with female botany students arrives and he has to fulfill all the keeper´s duties. Among the girls we can find Sulekha (young and fresh Sharmila Tagore), who ultimately finds out the truth about Parimal and the two fall in love.

Love? I´m here to keep the bungalow. I charge more for falling in love.

Nobody objects and so they soon get married, but Parimal´s marital bliss is constantly bugged by a relative he has not even met yet – Sulekha´s brother-in-law (Om Prakash). Apparently whatever he does and says is treated as the Holy word in the whole family, because he is well educated and witty. Finally Parimal is way too annoyed with all the praise on the adress of „jijaji“ and makes a bet with Sulekha: He is going to show her her brother-in-law is just as human and can make mistakes like every other mortal by tricking him. Soon after jijaji employs a new driver for his family, not aware he is no other than Parimal, the new relative he has not yet met.

Jijaji 24-hours nonstop telephone help line. May I share my words of wisdom with you?

Truth is that until some point the whole thing is interesting to watch and after that becomes somehow pointless. The trickery evolves into an intricate scheme organized by Parimal, but using help of not only Sulekha, but also some of his friends, but somehow you never get to know why. After some time it leaves the intention to mislead the poor jijaji and becomes more of a fun game enjoyed by the ones who actually do know what is going on, but causing much genuine distress to those not involved in the plot. And when it comes to that, I always feel rather uncomfortable. Anyway the films manages to overcome its own pointlessness with pure entertainment guaranteed mostly by the one and only Dharam, whose comic timing is perfect and his natural charm just keeps you with a smile plastered on your face throughout.

Can I please have one more uniform? With pinky butterflies, please?

Let´s do some romancing among flower petals first!

The last 20 minutes are weaker than the rest of the movie, mostly because the focus shifts to Parimal´s friend Sukumar Sinha (Amitabh Bachchan) and his love troubles caused by him previously agreeing to pose as Parimal for the sake of the trickery to go on for a while longer. However how to explain to young Vasudha (Jaya Bhaduri) now that he is actually not the married botany professor, but a very much available bachelor? Not that he would act badly, but after Dharmendra compeltely stealing the show and shining in the film, Amitabh doesn´t manage to reach the level expected by the viewer. Jaya Bhaduri stays for what I usually take her – a small gray mouse without much of a screen-presence, and is somehow lost among the powerful Dharam, less powerful but still good Amitabh, and also ravishing Sharmila who is the one to keep the eyes of all glued on her. Sadly, both ladies are underused.

In spite of the silliness of the plot Chupke Chupke is a very enjoyable film and one of the most effortlessly funny comedies that have ever came out of Bollywood. Safe to watch with family, safe to watch with friends, and brightening up your day even if you are alone.

Nerdy Amitabh rates the film with 4 out of 5 Whirpool washing machines.

The big 2011 overview

2011 was kinda meh for Bollywood. True enough, there were blockbusters, there were expectations, there were hypes and there were big stars shining. But overal the quality/entertainment level of the films was rather low, performances except for few nothing amazing and music was mostly forgettable. During the year I watched exactly 157 movies, out of which only 35 were 2011 releases (as I write I am still yet to watch The Dirty Picture and several more films like Shaitaan or Shor in the city).

The year started for me with No one killed Jessica, followed by the Deol opus Yamla Pagla Deewana. I have tried to give a chance to Dil Toh Bachcha Hai Ji – and you can read in this article how it ended. Next on the list was a film that sounded interesting...

Directed by: Kiran Rao
Starring: Aamir Khan, Prateik Babbar, Monica Dogra


The last of the January releases I chose to sit through was Aamir Khan´s Dhobi Ghat....It is not a bad film... but nothing that I would label good either. Somehow it refuses to fit into such cathegories.  There is not much of a story and ending is apparently missing. I did like the overall atmosphere though, without ever being to Mumbai or India it engulfed me and let me with an illusion I actually, for a few minutes, understood. All other three actors (playing Shai, Munna and Yasmine) were great. Especially "Yasmine" touched me. In fact her "letters" were the most interesting and engaging part of the movie. Until Aamir discovers them, nothing makes much sense really. As for Mr. Perfectionist himself, he disappoints big time. Maybe because one would actually expect him to act, not just smoke and watch TV.

Directed by: Nikhil Advani
Starring: Akshay Kumar, Rishi Kapoor, Anushka Sharma, Dimple Kapadia


As February came it was Akshay Kumar´s turn to arrive on the screen with his first release of the year called Patiala House (just another in a long list of English titles that decorated the posters in 2011 – from already mentioned No one killed Jessica to Ready, Rockstar, Rascals, Desi Boyz and of course The Dirty picture just to mention a few). A heck lot of nonsense and unrealistic conspiring almost completely killed off a promising family drama with decent performances – notably from Rishi Kapoor AND Akshay himself, who has laid off his comedy king image for a while and regained some of the respect as an ACTOR (only to loose it again few weeks later.....). The film  didn´t really give me anything, but it captured some part of human relations well. Especially loved how everybody was urging Akshay to stand up to his father, but when he did they were all cowards and nobody supported him. How very human.

Right behind Akshay it was Priyanka Chopra´s first 2011 release 7 Khoon Maaf that hurriedly followed. It flopped. But to me it was one of the best films of the year, even though I´m aware that is a rather unpopular opinion. If nothing Priyanka truly impressed me – unlike her co-star from Fashion Kangana Ranaut, who messed up completely in Tanu weds Manu. It is truly unfortunate when a lead actress is the greatest weakness of otherwise enjoyable movie. March did not bring any great pleasant surprises either. You can read here what I thought of some of the releases, however one of the films originally scheduled for March I´ve only managed to watch much later, so it is missing from the article.

Directed by: Rohan Sippy
Starring: Abhishek Bachchan, Bipasha Basu, Aditya Pancholi, Prateik Babbar, Govind Nameo


Now this is a movie definitely worth seeing. I really liked the way the narrative was done in the first part, the editing was very clever and in spite of various flashbacks not confusing at all. Performances are very good from everybody, but Abhishek is a miscast. Not because he would act badly, but because he is plain boring in the cop roles. Boring boring boring. It was during his scenes that the film would occasionally run short of breath. The guy needs to stop being a cop or a cool dude or a cool cop which is what he´s been trying to make his niché of, and find something else soon. Basically everybody else was more interesting. Deepika´s item number, which was so heavily propagated, is completely useless and not even well shot. Showstealer is none other than Aditya Pancholi, whom I used to hate in his 90s movies, but is growing on me more with advancing time.

Together with Dum Maro Dum Lara Dutta´s heartwarming, uncomplicated Chalo Dilli was the saving grace of April, which was also the month responsible for possibly the WORST of all 2011 releases. Yes, I´m talking of none other than Thank you, an Anees Bazmi film that could be used anywhere in the world as an example of how not to do cinema. Fortunately the month of May was more merciful enough to wipe Thank you and Anees Bazmi from my mind, even if only for a while. One of the best movies of the year was for me Stanley Ka Dabba. Rather unglamorous title is hiding a heartwarming, moving story, so full of love for life! Speaking about love, I´ve quite enjoyed two romantic comedies released the same month.

Directed by: Bumpy
Starring: Sraddha Kapoor, Taaha Shah


I loved the girl! She had so much energy and I think she´s REALLY talented. She emoted terribly well. Plus she has nice voice. Plus she looks good. The pace it´s even throughout the film, it doesn´t slow down, it´s never boring. The music is catchy. And from beginning to end there was no place for any unrelated subplots that would slow it down. The special appearance by Ali Zafar, however brief, was a VERY pleasant surprise... However the revenge the girl took was far too drastic and violent for my taste. I would have preferred something more subtle. Also the use of swearing words was completely unnecesarry. Overally I really enjoyed this, even though sometimes against better judgement.

Directed by: S. Manasvi
Starring: Tusshar Kapoor, Amrita Rao


Lot less impressive than Luv Ka The End, rather nice, "normal" film. Nothing wrong with it. Nothing outstanding in it. Some clichés, some plotholes, more clichés. No surprises, no big twists. Watching it however I realized how much I miss intensity in romantic films like this. There used to be so much intense emotions in older films about young people. Now... it´s just not there. Sad. Amrita Rao looks gorgeous and acts well, I wonder why is she seen so little and why is she not sought out for projects with actors like Imran Khan, Ranbir Kapoor? Instead she is stuck with Tusshar, who acts OK and has a charisma of a banana peel.

Directed by: Sunny Bhambhani
Starring: Sahil Mehta, Mannat Ravi, Vikay Katyal, Priyam Galav


And on a love note we have breezed into the month of June, riding the Love Express with a debutant director and debutant actors in four main leads. A simple story about two days spent in a train filled with two families going for a wedding, while the engaged couple is just not interested in each other, and trying to find a way out of the planned relationship. Perhaps predictable, but very sweet, and although one wasn´t exactly having fits of laughter, I had a smile plastered on my face throughout.

However at this content moment Anees Bazmi decided to attack again, even more agressively than before with the mess called Ready, for which I definitely was not ready. Salman Khan  not acting while Asin was being wasted and everybody swinging their hips in a terrible choreography while the unbearable Dhinka Chika was screaming from the amplions was more than I could digest. And the trend of lame comedies did not end there. Indra Kumar served us his Double Dhamaal (review coming eventually) and had us questioning our own intelligence once again. The two films releasing on the same day - 1st July, were both heavily propagated and especially the second one raise a lot of questions, expectations and curiosity. But before that just a few words about the first one.

Directed by: Puri Jagannath
Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Hema Malini, Sonu Sood


I didn´t really know how to watch this, how to treat this. I did get it was supposed to be a overview of sorts, a tribute to the body of work of Amitabh Bachchan, bringing out of the wardrobe his image of an angry young man.... with the difference this was an angry old man. And somehow, angry old men are not cool. And wearing what Big B was in the film, the way he behaved, made the character completely cringeworthy. None of the storylines did really capture my attention or stood out. One of those films I have forgotten as soon as they ended.

Directed by: Abhinay Deo
Starring: Imran Khan, Vir Das, Kunaal Roy Kapur


Shit happens. Yeah, it does. I was not sure what to expect from this one either. I thought that I will be either hilariously entertained or utterly disgusted (the promos suggested the latter). Well, the film surprised - I was neither. In fact I don´t recall a film that would leave me so completely unmoved (into any direction). Several times I smiled. Several times I didn´t like what I saw. Overally the film seemed like a background score for me thinking about completely different things! Imran suffers the fate of Aamir in 3 Idiots - meaning he is completely overshadowed by his two friends, who steal the show and actually provide the laughter. I cannot help but shake my head in disbelief over the claims this is a movie that shall take Bollywood into a new direction. There really was nothing that revolutionary or different from other half mindless half witty comedies, except for the overuse of swearing language, which by the way has no point, and it´s offensive for the pure sake of being offensive. It doesn´t hurt to see the film, but it´s nothing not-to-be-missed either. The best thing about it is actually a quick pace and quick changes of situations.

After Stanley Ka Dabba another movie that really impressed me was highly praised Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (where for the first time I ever I did not feel the need to strangle Katrina Kaif on the spot). However Ajay Devgn´s Sigham (review coming eventually) left me mostly unimpressed from a single reason only – throughout the movie I´ve had a feeling I have seen it all. Just last year in Dabangg. There was hardly anything different about it. And July was ended on a very low note with an attempt at historical drama that went just all wrong. Gandhi to Hitler can be considered the biggest joke the filmmakers played on us last year, at least I hope it was meant to be a joke. And then June turned into July.

Directed by: Prakash Jha
Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Saif Ali Khan, Deepika Padukone


I liked this. Well, not all, but most of it. My liking doesn´t really have much to do with the cast or performances (which were all good), more with the topic and me being a university student just realizing how great business education really can be. In fact there were several lines in the films I´m definitely noting down, because there was so much blunt truth in them. Aarakshan is basically a one man show and that one man is this time charismatic and not ridiculous Amitabh Bachchan. Saif goes out of mind as soon as he leaves the screen. Deepika has great expressions. All she needs to work on is the intensity of her voice and some modulation, but she proved again to be my dark horse for the future years. First part was more tight and exciting then the second and to cut the film´s length down to 2 hours would have been a good idea as well.

And then of course Bodyguard came along.

Directed by: Siddique
Starring: Salman Khan, Kareena Kapoor


Blockbuster after just few days, it was promoted as an epic love story that gives Kareena Kapoor her best role ever and Salman Bhai bhi. If there is one thing that I loved, really, really loved, it was Teri Meri. That song is awesome, full of feeling, very dramatic and yet not over the top. The picturization was good too, though Salman did way too much unnecessary running. I´m not going to say he cannot act, that wouldn´t be true as he used to act in good old days, but past few years he really doesn´t bother at all. Kareena, whom I learned to adore on screen, acts, but has nothing to work with really. Other characters are so completely sidelined it´s not even worthy talking about them, and poor villains had TWO scenes.... The fat guy trying his luck at being the new Johnny Lever annoyed the heck out of me, though I agree I loved his T-shirts stating "Six pack coming soon" and "Looking good is not a crime". The two main characters are very poorly drawn and basically boring, they don´t really go through any development - and neither does their relationship. In fact I still keep wondering where did the love came from? And similarly so I couldn´t feel for them as a couple, because the script and story simply didn´t give me a chance to feel for them, feel their love, nothing. The action was ridiculous. I can take a lot, but there is limit to everything. Way too many cheap computer effects. It was definitely better then Salman´s previous release Ready, but very overrated as far as box office goes still.

The second half of the year was considerably better, even if it held some real crap together with real gems. The better times were heralded by sweet, simple, predictable, but still highly entertaining Mere Brother Ki Dulhan (review coming eventually), which in spite of starring Imran Khan and Katrina Kaif in the leads (none of them being a mind-blowing performers) was pleasant to watch. At the other end of movie entertainment John Abraham´s Force gave us some serious chills as well as the most menacing new villains and in yet a different field Shahid Kapoor tried to sell his romance with Sonam Kapoor titled Mausam (review coming eventually) to the audience – unfortunatelly and deservingly he did not succeed. However by that time, having a Double Dhamaal hangover, Sanjay Dutt has sent his new baby into the world as well....

Directed by: David Dhawan
Starring: Sanjay Dutt, Ajay Devgn, Kangana Ranaut


Throughout I kept having Deewana Mastana flashbacks, however one would be looking for the same light-heartedness, same charm or level of performances in vain in Rascals. Sanjay and Ajay were wasted, which is sad, because they really work as a male jodi and both have great comic timing. However the OTT acting is not Ajay´s cup of chai at all. Kangana needs to stop doing comedies right NOW! She was awful from beginning to end. She did not share any chemistry whatsoever with either of the two main protagonists, so even their pursue of her was not really interesting to watch. I did not like at all the way women were portraited, if that is even the word for nothing but a vulgar flesh show. Sanjay Dutt should either stop criticizing actresses for what they wear or stop producing films like Rascals. The film is also a proof that David Dhawan has completely lost his touch.

I am no fan of romantic comedies, even less of teenage romantic comedies, and although I liked Luv Ka the End, it is really an exception. Because of that I was quite surprised that another film of the same genre was pleasant as well.

Directed by: Nupur Ashtana
Starring: Saqib Saleem, Saba Azad


With romantic teenage comedies it is never really about story, but about concept and form, the way the script is presented. MFK is presented well. Not as energic as Luv ka the end, not as funny either, but unlike Luv Ka The End, it has a nice romantic feel, nothing goes over the top. The performances are all natural and pleasant, music, though not groundbreaking ads nice atmosphere. A good timepass.

After MFK I watched mostly older movies, waiting for more new DVDs to come out, and trying luck with several more new films. However My neither Friend Pinto nor Tell me o Khudda or Always Kabhi Kabhie held my interest for longer than 15 minutes and so I really don´t have much to say about them, except maybe that Esha Deol totally falls into the clichéd cathegory of untalented star children. Sadly enough Shahrukh Khan, whom I love so much, did not really impress me (or anyone really) with his heavily promoted Ra.One (review coming eventually), but he got back on the right track later with Don 2 (of course full review is in store). However not even he gave a better performance than Ranbir Kapoor in Rockstar (a long review so coming soon), that for me became not only the most intense love story of the year – and the best film of the year, but also a modern days classic. As I have said at the very beginning, I have not yet seen The Dirty picture, and so here got the  last two films I´m going to mention in here.

Directed by: Maneesh Sharma
Starring: Anushka Sharma, Ranveer Singh, Parineeti Chopra, Aditi Sharma Dipannita Sharma



LVRB takes place in some weird alternative reality where Ranveer Singh is for every girl an irresistable sexy beast and from that moment on I was a bit wary because I find him neither handsome nor hot, or even interesting. The casting of the girls was much more spot on from demure Aditi to loud-nouted Parineeti, and of course very natural Anushka. Somehow however, Anushka did not matter to me in the movie. I couldn´t care less for her feelings and actually enjoyed the three other ladies in the first half of the movie much much more. Anushka´s entry into the film however, is brilliant. The story gets rather boring in the second half and climax is predictable, though not completely justified. I truly didn´t see where the love was supposed to come from or how, in matter of few days, it could have changed one´s personality completely. Ranveer has not much to work with really, except walking around showing off his body and being supposedly sexy. He was much less impressive than in BBB. His pairing with Anushka is highly praised all over the place, but to be honest they do not really "do it" for me. Music was blah, choreography bad. An OK film, but not much more than that.

Directed by: Rohit Dhawan
Starring: Akshay Kumar, John Abraham, Deepika Padukone, Chitrangda Singh


For me personally the most enjoyable comedy of the whole 2011. In spite of the things that kinda sucked, it was still so enjoyable and fun! What I truly appreciated was the absence of cheap and vulgar jokes that are such a rage these days, and even though there definitely are several "sex related" scenes the soul of the film remains quite innocent. The highlight performances for me were John (whose comedy had me in splits), Anupam Kher (whose every scene had me in splits) and Deepika (who just really needs to work more on her dialogue delivery, but looks drop dead gorgeous and acts brilliantly in several scenes and is good in the rest). Chitrangda looks beautiful and does well in whatever she´s given, but I did not like her character, that indeed seemed somehow desperate and well, unneccessarily horny. I´m not really a fan of Akshay´s, but he was fine - and his "job interview" was perfect. Sanjay Dutt looked really bad and apparently the composers can take a rest while writing music while he´s on screen because they can always throw Khalnayak main theme out there and everyone is happy. The emotional scenes were unimpressive.

So that was the year 2011 in Bollywood through my eyes. Thank you if you managed to read through this loooong post. ;)

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna

Directed by: Karan Johar

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Rani Mukherjee, Abhishek Bachchan, Preity Zinta, Amitabh Bachchan, Kirron Kher

Released: 2006

I will never really understand where did my courage to watch Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna come from. Till this day I have not been able to overcome the outrage and hate that both have come over me after watching Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Ghum, which I consider the worst film I´ve ever seen. I guess it was only my devotion to Shahrukh Khan and my wish to know his complete body of work, combined with being naturally curious what is all the fuss about, that made me watch KANK. After 15 minutes I already knew I was going to suffer.

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna is basically a story about two people whose personalities suck big time and that not as much because of the circumstances but because they choose to. Shahrukh as Dev is an arrogant, selfish and most of all self-pitying brat with no respect whatsoever. Once he was a famous football player but after being hit by a car his career was over and he is limping ever since. Sure, something like that could make anyone deeply depressed, but Dev, rather than trying to move on and be useful, decides to sulk for years, blaming the whole world and mentally terrorizing his little son (I was just waiting for the kid to be hospitalized as mentally unstable and crippled for life). I don´t think I ever disliked any Shahrukh´s character as much. Even when he played an evil person like in Anjaam or Don, there was something you could admire or at least appreciate (even though what they do is wrong). But Dev is just a disgusting piece of existence, giving nothing to anyone, being jealous of his wife´s (Preity) success and destroying every moment of peace for everybody around. I am no fan of perfectly flawless characters , I like it when they are human with flaws, but there is limit to everything. Maybe it was my utter dislike for the character, but either not even Shahrukh´s acting could have make me like Dev or even Shahrukh was just bad in this. Based on my opinion that except for My Name Is Khan Karan Johar has always managed to bring out the worst out of him, I sadly tend to believe the second option.

Herodes could learn how to treat kids from Dev....

Rani as Maya is not an inspiring person either. Also wallowing in self-pity she is pushing away any chance of being happy with her husband Rishi (Abhishek). The film tried to present her as being oh so poor a soul because she does not feel romantic love for Rishi, but I only wanted to scream at her for being such a life-ruiner. Rishi is a husband of dreams really. He copes up with everything she does or says without a complaint. He is incredibly giving. And she apparently doesn´t give a damn. In this sense she is same as Dev. They both obviously LOVE being miserable and they LOVE to blame others for it. HOW in the world am I supposed to be their fan or even feel for them? Impossible!

Let´s just behave like a total ass so I can embarass my partner and pity myself even more.

In a very apparent plot twist these two fall in love and start having a secret affair consisting mainly of getting drenched in the rain and singing songs in imaginary sorrounding Karan Johar style. Up until of course they are caught..... and they separate.... and they are oh so noble now and want to save their marriages.... and they end up together of course after one of the most teary, excruciating and longest climaxes ever. By that point I was already skipping whole minutes, completely worn out by all that crap I had managed to sit through. I was not interested AT ALL in what Dev and Maya were through.

One of the greatest sore spots in the film also remains Amitabh Bachchan in his possibly most cringe worthy role ever – Sexy Sam – out of whose hangover he is suffering till this day. Instead of cool he was sleazy and his part in the story was completely unnecessary. I guess his parts of the film were supposed to be mostly fun, but this intention fails completely.

Hi! I´m Sexy Sam. Embarassment of the decade.

The saving graces are performances by Preity Zinta and Abhishek Bachchan. In other circumstances I would always choose Rani and Shahrukh over them, but not here. Theirs were the bits I enjoyed and the best scene of them all has to be Preity slapping Shahrukh after finding out the truth.

KANK fails. In basically every department. I am nobody to preach about fidelity between husband and wife (though yeah, I believe in the concept) and I can see why many marriages fail. I am not saying two people HAVE TO live with each other if they are so very unhappy. However the way infidelity is presented in this movie makes it all seem actually right and legit. There are other films that deal with the same issue and yet they manage to show all the involved people as likeable humans with reasons of their own, like Yash Chopra´s Silsila or most recently Imtiaz Ali´s Rockstar, but Karan Johar, skilled with pouring glycerine but completely clueless about real feelings makes it all one great mess where you hate the hero, you hate the heroine and you hate their love story. And you definitely hate Sexy Sam.

Quickies I.

Just quick takes on several different films.....

FASHION

Directed by: Madhur Bhandarkar
Starring: Priyanka Chopra, Kangana Ranaut, Arbaaz Khan
Released: 2008

This did not look like a Bollywood movie at all..... and it works great, though I must admit it´s not a film I would like to watch again, definitely not the whole thing at one time. Priyanka was brilliant, especially in the second part, looked absolutely fabulous, but I must admit I was even more smitten by Kangana´s performance as Shonali. This was the film that made me love her - and then the love was taken away by Tanu weds Manu and Game.... but here the magic still prevails. As far as her performance goes it was THE EXPERIENCE for me. The movie was really a girl´s show from the beggining to end, though Arbaaz deserves a mention. Sometimes it happens to me, that the three hours, which a is a regular time for Bollywood movies, are just tooooooo damn long. I did not have this feeling during this movie.

It was nice to see Konkona and Ranvir, whom both I love, but let´s face it: that scene was simply good for nothing, because it was not related to the story in any way, hence it didn´t really work even as a special appearance. Music was nice, but nothing much to talk about. No songs. In this particular case thank God for that.

Brilliant movie. Now I need to go and watch Hum Aapke Hain Koun to get me out of depression. Joote Do Paise Lo.....!!!!!!
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WAKE UP SID

Directed by Ayan Mukerji
Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Konkona Sen Sharma, Anupam Kher
Released: 2009

I had no idea what the plot is, all I knew it has Koko and Ranbir. And they were both just great in this nice, slow and charming movie!!! I thoroughly enjoyed the beggining, because Sid had the same illness as me - procrastination!!!! Pity his friends kinda disappeared after first 30 minutes, but in the end they were really not too important for the story. I really liked the plot - no dramatic over the top situations, just simple tale of a man finally growing up...... and for once the growth of love was understandable, enjoyable and BELIEVABLE!!!

As I already said, Ranbir was great. I love the guy! And Koko is brilliant. I would so love to see her in more movies. She does not have a nice profile, but otherwise she is IMO much more gorgeous then Katrina or Sonam. And her talent is unquestionable.

Very enjoyable movie, that slows down a bit in the second half. The word I would describe it would be "refreshing".
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TAAL

Directed by: Subhash Ghai
Starring: Aishwariya Rai, Akshaye Khanna, Anil Kapoor
Released: 1999

Movie that is anything but exciting. Full of half-baked characters, out of whom only Anil had something that would interest you. But there are definitely some plus poits. One was Aishwarya - I don´t know whatever has happened to her nowdays, but she used to be so adorable! I mean - she was so very natural in this film, it was sheer pleasure to watch her. I´m also a fan of her simple look without much make-up and jewellery, so this worked as well. She danced BEAUTIFULLY. Another plus point was Anil - his acting was a highlight. And then there is BEAUTIFUL title song that is absolutely magical. I loved the picturization as well. In fact the whole soundtrack of Taal can be definitely labeled as one of the best Rahman´s albums. Pity not all the voices used suited Aishwariya...

I was SHOCKED to see Amrish Puri was not a bad guy!!! That is something that just isn´t right...

And I will never understand why Bollywood heroines so often love the most impossible jerks. Akshaye´s character was purely annoying to me (and mind you, I adore Akshaye!). He was just too sure of himself!!! And then he gave away the finale halfway through the film!!! "You will send her to me, she will come out of her own decision...." blah blah blah..... And then to ensure his success in the end he decides to use a CUTE DOG as a weapon!!!! Now that is EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILING!!!!

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MOHRA

Directed by: Rajiv Rai
Starring: Akshay Kumar, Raveena Tandon, Naseeruddin Shah, Suniel Shetty
Released: 1994

The greatest strengh of this movie is the plot no doubt. And it is also (together with the somehow psychotic Naseeruddin Shah) the only saving grace. The first hour was somehow boring and full of WTF (the jail was WTF for sure. No police anywhere in sight, prisoners roaming wherever they wanted to....). I never thought much about Akshay as an actor (thought he looked YUMMY here, never liked him anywhere else), and Raveena too was average. The second part of the film is definitely thrilling and has some good moments, but somehow I have overgrown the totally totally evil evil guys and totally totally good good police officers. Once again the twists in the story were great and unexpected. What I hated was the stolen melody - this time from Jesus Christ Superstar.
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BAABUL

Directed by: Ravi Chopra
Starring: Rani Mukherjee, Amitabh Bachchan, Salman Khan, John Abraham, Hema Malini
Released: 2006

The first 90 minutes were like watching Hum Aapke Hain Koun 2 (except Salman did not look cute, more like silly this time) - all was there from warm family relationships, celebratory songs, wedding, pregnancy......... but the magic of HAHK was not present at all. The second part was nothing but boring and the ending was a bit too quick a bit naive - and also ended up on HAHK note. I really liked Rani though, she was awesome and very believable and also Amitabh gave a good performance. The scenes between him and Rani are the highlits and it is interesting to note that Rani had more chemistry with him then with Salman or John. Those two are easily overshadowed by Rani and Big B. Om Puri and Hema Malini whose characters were IMO quite essential to the story, were unnecceserilly and unforgivably sidelined.

Only worth watching for Rani and her interaction with Amitabh.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham

Directed by: Karan Johar

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Jaya Bachchan, Shahrukh Khan, Kajol, Hrithik Roshan, Kareena Kapoor

Released: 2001

„Not-at-all-dear Karan Johar,

I hate you with passion. Because what you do is that you thrust your greedy hand into people´s chest, you rip their hearts out and then you dance tango over them in tapping shoes. You want them to cry. You want them to cry a LOT. You don´t want to give them anything. You only want to take. While your venture with Kuch Kuch Hota Hai was watchable and Kal Ho Naa Ho quite fun thanks to Saif Ali Khan, your atrocious Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham is the best example of a commercial crap that forces out tears, tears and more tears under a pretext of being a film about family values.

Worst regards

Not-ever-yours Hater.“

I have seen films that bored me to death. I have seen films that made me angry with sheer stupidity. I have seen films that left me utterly confused. K3G 1.) bored me to death 2.) made me angry with sheer stupidity 3.) left me utterly confused PLUS 4.) made me hate Karan Johar and Jaya Bachchan. Why did I watch it then? Because it sadly is one of the most famous films of the past decade and even more sadly it is hugely popular. I can positively say that the films I´ve seen so far and hated had at least one redeeming quality to them. But this has NOTHING, nothing at ALL!!! The story itself is not bad, though not the most exciting or original ever (that wouldn´t bother me one bit). The script though is TERRIBLE, performances bellow average at their best and direction shows a lazy approach with one aim only – to make a hit film. Not a film for someone. Film for money! That is what makes Karan Johar stand out among other directors. His unashamed hunger for commercial success. And he will use anything to get it. I don´t even know where to start with all the bashing of this waste of celluloid!

Amitabh Bachchan plays an elderly father of a family, that consists of his wife (Jaya Bachchan) and two sons, adopted Rahul (yeah yeah.... Shahrukh and who else. They run out of names for him a long time ago) and their own Rohan (some fat kiddo, then Hrithik Roshan). They are a PERFECT family. And I mean PERFECT (aka they have larger than life photos of themselves everywhere, including one really freaky family portrait). They love each other, they celebrate Diwalis in STYLE and they are DISGUSTINGLY rich. Their house was apparently imported from England and used to be a castle. They don´t usually use cars (those are apparently for poor), they prefer helicopters, and they have a garden of a size of central China. But then Rahul falls in love with a poor girl Anjali (Kajol). BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! Thunder strikes and it signifies Amitabh Bachchan is not amused. After Rahul hears out some abuses on the adress of a girl he loves, he does what every perfect son would – he begs on his knees for forgiveness. But duh! Anjali just lost her father. And so instead of dumping her Rahul marries her. BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! Amitabh Bachchan is like seriously pissed. So he says that from now on Rahul should get out. And Rahul goes. And because obviously India is way too small, he settles down in London. There his wife gets birth to a son and next ten years spends with xenophobic ranting against everything even remotely English. With them lives also Anjali´s younger sister Pooja (Kareena Kapoor), who grows up into a Paris Hilton-ish airhead and with her equally stupid friends rules the college. But then her heart is stricken with love as soon as a MUSCULAR guy gets out of his fancy red car. YEAH! Rohan, Rahul´s younger brother, lost the baby fat (but he still cannot do his shoe-laces) and now he set out to unite his family. And the best way to do so is to pretend you are a complete stranger and sneak into Rahul´s home. Wah Wah. Kya planning hai! By this time I was really thinking about killing myself and only finished the film because I found fascinating how BAD it actually was.

Absolutely typical Indian home.

Karan Johar says that „It is all about loving your parents“, but the film says that it is all about endless whining, weeping, sobbing, crying and being miserable. They are still talking about how they love each other, but NOBODY does ANYTHING to show that love. No. They prefer to call you a disgrace (Amitabh), sulk in London for ten years (Shahrukh), emotionally blackmail everyone (Hrithik) or bulging eyes while silently crying (Jaya). There is absolutely no love going on on the screen. You cannot feel any emotions. All the actors are like in their own vacuum, where they act, and they just happen to be in one frame together. There is nothing that could be called an interaction. Amitabh is highly unlikable as a stubborn aging father who loves his authority more then his family. Jaya Bachchan getting an award for looking retarded most of the time is an insult. Shahrukh Khan is looking unforgivably sexy, but is so clean and sweet and perfect that even he was a sore to look at after all that whining! Kajol, whom I finally started to like more then just tolerating her presence on screen, is made to behave like a drunken twit (I shall never forgive Karan for this). And since I am among the minority who does not really see what is THAT special about them, their jodi does not save anything for me. Rani is decent and wasted and forgettable. Hrithik is a goody goody with muscles and that´s where it ends. Kareena had no importance in the story at all.

Music, except for two songs, is very average. And there is one more thing about Karan Johar´s films: the main theme shall repeat again...and again.... and again..... until you feel like kicking into something every time it appears. I had the same problem with Kuch Kuch Hota Hai main theme. And when they inserted it into this film too, it just couldn´t get any worse.... I usually don´t mind mentions of other films and such, but here Karan was celebrating his own film, and that is cringeworthy to say the least. The visuals are terrible. When Yash Chopra makes an imaginary, utopistic clean world for his characters to live in, it is all just a background for feelings and there is honesty in his films. Karan Johar overwhelms you (and makes you practically sick) with the sheer opulence, that is kind of falling on you and you suffocate under it. The visuals are MEANT to overwhelm you. They are not a part of the story at all (as it is the case with Bhansali´s films). They are simply there and make you uneasy. And when a choir of English kids starts singing Indian anthemn, the patriotism is so forced down your throat it´s hard not to be almost physically sick. And just in case you are not moved enough, they will show you a disabled girl smiling happily during that.

Not moving, not appealing, not honest, not even cheesy. A cringeworthy documentary on „How to weep annoyingly and steadily“.

Weeping.

Weeping.

Weeping.

Weeping.

Weeping.

Weeping.

"Can we stop weeping now, please?"