Players

Directed by: Abbas-Mustan

Starring: Abhishek Bachchan, Sonam Kapoor, Bipasha Basu, Neil Nitin Mukesh, Omi Vaidya, Bobby Deol, Sikander Kher, Vinod Khanna

Released: 2012

How can you take seriously somebody named Charlie Mascarenhas as a mastermind high-class, next-to-supernatural-hero thief? Even more so when he is played by Abhishek Bachchan (who just never learns)? Players (or by a more precise title „Thiefs“) was supposed to be a rocking action packed multi-starrer, but maybe it would have been better if the film was called off once people like Priyanka Chopra and Kareena Kapoor decided to say no to it, because frankly, though the cast is full of known names, none of them really sells on their own.

The „player“ Charlie with his awesome and genius mind, finds his way to super secret information about a transport of a huge amount of gold from Russia to Romania, which immediately becomes his next goal. However he´s not naive enough to think he can pull such a robbery off by himself, and so after a consultation with the best of the best players (read „thieves“), the aging and jailed Victor Dada (Vinod Khanna) he puts together a team of the best thieves with different abilities. His romantic interest Rhea (sexy but somehow boring and unpleasant Bipasha Basu) is to be useful in getting information out of certain men, then there are a master-disguiser Sunny (Omi Vaidya), explosives expert Bilal (Sikander Kher), a magician (Bobby Deol) and a hacker Spider (Neil Nitin Mukesh). And of course the super cool Charlie. However soon after actually pulling off the robbery Charlie finds out someone may have outsmarted him.... and there will be a hell to pay.

"Wait. Somebody stole my wallet. Call the police!"

What kills Players are weak and unimpressive performances, artificial dialogues and in spite of some good twist and turns a considerable level of predictability (though the last may be just my problem, I always happen to know the bad guys from the start, don´t ask me how). I actually really liked the first half, as most of the bad acting and questionable script was compensated by a well made action sequence and nice speed that did not give one too much time to analyze. However after the interval it all slowed down and somehow lost purpose and whatever thrill there was left.

We are sitting in the middle of Siberia and whole Russia is looking for us...

...so let´s drink champagne from fancy glasses we did not forget to pack.

Abhishek is someone I never minded, but I still maintain what I´ve been saying for the past year - he needs to STOP acting cool guys with brilliant minds, because he just doesn´t deliver. Perhaps now after Player, Game and Dum Maro Dum flopped he will get the message? Unfortunatelly for him I think it is too late for him to reinvent himself (hoping to be proved wrong). Sonam has definitely improved, she does not make me cringe everytime she opens her mouth anymore, however she disappoints when it comes to anything emotional. There was NO difference in her expression whether she was flirting with Abhishek, casually serving food or wathching her father being shot. Bipasha is someone whom I fail to like, she just doesn´t pick good roles and just like with Abhishek it seems she is only good for one type of roles AKA we´ve seen it all before. Neil is by far the best, however still far from being impressive. All the actors (ironically with the exception of Johny Lever) give you the impression they totally do not care about anything, least of all about acting. 

Let´s lay down the wreaths and bury this film in some dark corner of our minds.

Thank you

Directed by: Anees Bazmee

Starring: Akshay Kumar, Bobby Deol, Sonam Kapoor, Irrfan Khan, Rimi Sen, Suniel Shetty, Celina Jaitley

Released: 2011

I never have great expectations from Anees Bazmee, but he made it to a completely new level of turning me off with „Thank you“. The title itself is good for nothing, as it doesn´t really capture anything the films is about. But maybe that was the aim, because who would watch a film titled for example „Cheating on your partner is fun“ or „Immoral guide how to mislead the gullible females“? Because that is what you should expect if you ever have enough courage to hit the play button of this film.

Bobby, Irrfan and Suniel are three friends, all married (to Sonam, Rimi and Celina respectively) and all ungrateful kaminas, who will not let any opportunity to lift somebody´s skirt pass. Irrfan is the most experienced cheater, while Suniel and Bobby are learning from him. And it is all oh so much fun up until the moment Sonam (I really did not bother to remember the character´s names) starts suspecting something may stink in her little homely paradise. What to do? Her friend Rimi and Celina advice her to hire a detective, who will spy on Bobby and report his findings to her. And thus we are introduced to a saviour of marriages, protector of love, a true Mohabbat-man, Akshay Kumar. And he comes to them with a revelation – their husbands are bored.... What follows is anything but innovative line of women trying to humiliate their husbands and the husbands trying to conceal their affairs and turning against each other in attempts to save their own skin. If there is a humor in there somewhere, I guess I missed it.

The three kaminas

Plot-craters are plenty, music below-average and the moral of the story is either none (the better case) or puke-worthy (So it is OK and fun when husband cheats on his wife, but when a wife cheats on her husband it´s gross and major sin, but it is still the most right thing to do to teach your other half a lesson, after which you both have to forgive and love each other faithfully for the rest of eternity..... what?). And also, since women are just really dumb creatures, they need a man (Akshay) who has never met them before to tell them how to behave. While the thought of forgiving one affair remains an acceptable option (though not in the circumstances presented by the film), who would forgive a notorious cheater, who by the way treated you all your life like a piece of shit?

The three gulliable creatures (commonly reffered to as "women")

Already under water, the ship with the name „Thank you“ sinks even into greater depths of cringe-worthy under the weight of awful performances. Akshay Kumar does his usual with the change of not being funny at all. Irrfan Khan delivers with an ease some kinda funny one-liners, but overall is wasted. Suniel Shetty has more like a blink and miss appearance. Bobby Deol just doesn´t deliver in any department. Celina Jaitley is watchable, though has about ten minutes and ten sentences in the whole movie, Sonam Kapoor proves she cannot act to save her life. Her dialogue delivery is awful, voice modulation non-existent, expressions painfully limited and body language as well. The only saving grace is Rimi Sen, who steal whatever is left to be stolen. She is natural, funny and likeable, though even she looses her identity once the film reaches the climax.

Vulgar, pointless and sexistic, not worthy of first viewing, leave alone the second. The worst film of 2011 for sure.

"Kill the author of this review! Now"

Yamla Pagla Deewana

Directed by: Samir Karnik

Starring: Sunny Deol, Bobby Deol, Dharmendra, Anupam Kher

Released: 2011

Somewhere in Vancouver, Canada, there lives a rather happy NRI going by the name of Paramveer Singh (Sunny Deol). His family includes a blonde, non-Indian wife, two little sons and old mother. Paramveer dreams of going back to his homeland, but his wife Mary is completely opposed to the idea, being completely convinced that all Indians are crazy (unfortunately the events that are about to happen will do anything but prove her wrong). And so Paramveer is left with his dreams and spends his days going to job and grocery shopping for his family. If somebody happens to have a brilliant idea of robbing him, he simply beats them up without a wink, then he buys the latest Punjab newspaper for his Maa and peacefully goes his way. But nothing lasts forever and one day the family learns, that Paramveer´s father (Dharmendra), who run away thirty years later after a fight with his wife and took his second son, a mere baby, with him, managed to bring little Gajodhar (Bobby Deol) to his own image AKA the two of them lie and loot and nobody is safe before them. Th grief-stricken Maa pleads Paramveer to take a trip to India and bring her husband and son to her, because after 30 years...well, she kinda misses them and believes once they come they will turn into angels. Paramveer, as a good son, does exactly what she asks and leaves at once to India.

And he is lucky – as soon as he sets his foot into the city of Banares, he becomes a victim to one of his brother´s deceptions (and it makes him happy!) and soon he finds also his rather drunken father in the company of a girl more then half his age (and it makes him even more happy!). The father does not want to confirm Paramveer´s identity, because he brought his little „Goju“ in belief he is a single-child and his mother had run away from them. But after Paramveer saves his skin more then once he accepts him to accompany him for a time. Meanwhile Goju has other troubles altogether. He is in love. After much thinking and many unsuccessful attempts at not making a complete fool of himself he finally wins over the girl he loves. Unfortunatelly she has five rather strickt brothers who immediatelly drag her home and are planning to wed her to the first NRI who would be willing. Goju is uhappy. But what would be the family for, right?

Deol & Deol

Yamla Pagla Deewana is basically from the same mould as Dabangg, but then it went a different way. It too has a nice desi touch and smells of the wonderful 90´s masala, but in the end the feeling one has is that the three Deols just really wanted to act together – even if for the heck of it. It would be futile to search for any message or a deep thought, you wouldn´t find one. It is a light comedy that simply happens and doesn´t ask for more then your laugh. Dharmendra, Bobby and Sunny all are basically playing caricatures of their most famous characters, especially Sunny, an honest guy with pure heart who will beat anyone up for his family and doesn´t even have to lift his hand (literally) and Dharmendra as a light-hearted Casanova with a weak spot for alcohol. The first half of the film concetrates on Paramveer looking for his father and brother and then his attempts to get closer to them. However the comical scenes could be counted on the fingers of one hand and it all rather drags at times too – contrary to the second half!

Deol and . . . eeeeeh . . . Deol.

That is where the fun really begins. The story turns almost grotesque and even finds a way how to quite seemlessly bring all the characters into one place. While in the first half the footage all belongs to the three Deols, in the second we have not only five Punjab brothers (one better – or worse? - then the other) and after a while even Paramveer´s blonde wife and two kids! Among the brothers Anupam Kher excells and every single of his appearances is hilarious. Of course we get to see some fighting scenes faithful to „Sunny Deol“ style and who would even dare to doubt it will all end well and Anupam Kher will not shoot anyone, nah?

I wouldn´t recommend the films to the Bollywood begginers, because there are some jokes related to several famous movies (Raja Hindustani and Sholay immediatelly come to mind), and also not everybody is ready for Johnny Lever (even though I must say he was not as half as crazy/funny/annoying as he usually is, and in fact I quite welcomed his appearance from purely sentimental reasons).

Music is nothing special, very forgettable and except for Chadha de rang the songs are not even visually pleasing.

If you´re a Deol fan – you are going to love it.